Meridian Read online

  Mrs. Hill had had only two pairs of cotton bloomers. She wore and washed, washed and wore. She had only one dress. She and her sister swapped dresses each day so they might have at least this much variety in their attire. They had gone without shoes much of the time. And yet, miraculously, Meridian’s mother had finished school and, what was more, helped four of her sisters and brothers do the same. And she had become a schoolteacher, earning forty dollars a month, four months out of the year. (Her students were in the cotton fields the rest of the time.) She had bought her a coat and a new pair of shoes with her first pay. Hers had also been the honor, a short time later, of paying for her mother’s pink coffin.

  When her mother talked about her childhood Meridian wept and clung to her hands, wishing with all her heart she had not been born to this already overburdened woman. Whatever smugness crept into her mother’s voice—as when she said “I never stole, I was always clean, I never did wrong by anyone, I was never bad; I simply trusted in the Lord”—was unnoticed by her. It seemed to Meridian that her legacy from her mother’s endurance, her unerring knowledge of rightness and her pursuit of it through all distractions, was one she would never be able to match. It never occurred to her that her mother’s and her grandmother’s extreme purity of life was compelled by necessity. They had not lived in an age of choice.

  None of these thoughts could she convey to Miss Winter. She merely smiled at her from the calm plateau in her illness she had happily reached. Now and again she saw clouds drift across Miss Winter’s head and she amused herself picking out faces that she knew. When she slept she dreamed she was on a ship with her mother, and her mother was holding her over the railing about to drop her into the sea. Danger was all around and her mother refused to let her go.

  “Mama, I love you. Let me go,” she whispered, licking the salt from her mother’s black arms.

  Instinctively, as if Meridian were her own child, Miss Winter answered, close to her ear on the pillow, “I forgive you.”

  The next morning Meridian ate all her breakfast, though it would not all stay down. For the first time she asked for a mirror and tried to sit up in bed. Soon, her strength exhausted, she slept. Anne-Marion watched the sun climb again to illuminate the edges of her hair, and knew she could not endure a friendship that required such caring vigilance. Meridian, for all her good intentions, might never be ready for the future, and that would be too painful. Anne-Marion could not continue to care about a person she could not save. Nor could she end a close friendship without turning on the friend.

  One morning, when Meridian was standing by the window, her face pensive, nearly beautiful and pathetically thin, Anne-Marion did something she had always wanted to do: It was the equivalent of a kick. She began telling jokes to make Meridian laugh—because she could not leave her while she looked this way—and when she succeeded, just at the point where Meridian’s face lost its magically intriguing gloom, she said, with a very straight face herself, “Meridian, I can not afford to love you. Like the idea of suffering itself, you are obsolete.”

  Later, though they met again in New York and briefly shared a room, and Meridian had seemed not to remember this parting comment, Anne-Marion continued to think of it as her final word.

  After Meridian had gone back South and Anne-Marion discovered herself writing letters to her, making inquiries month after month to find out which town she now lived in and to which address she should send her letters, no one could have been more surprised and confounded than she, who sat down to write each letter as if some heavy object had been attached to her knees, forcing them under her desk, as she wrote with the most galling ferocity, out of guilt and denial and rage.

  Truman Held

  THE LAST TOAST

  I drink to our ruined house,

  to the dolor of my life,

  to our loneliness together;

  and to you I raise my glass,

  to lying lips that have betrayed us,

  to dead-cold, pitiless eyes,

  and to the hard realities:

  that the world is brutal and coarse,

  that God in fact has not saved us.

  —AKHMATOVA

  Truman and Lynne: Time in the South

  Lynne: She is sitting on the porch steps of a battered wooden house and black children are all around her. They look, from a distance, like a gigantic flower with revolving human petals. Lynne is the center. Nearer to them Truman notices the children are taking turns combing her hair. Her hair—to them lovely because it is easy to comb—shines, held up behind by black and brown hands as if it is a train. The children might be bridesmaids preparing Lynne for marriage. They do not see him. He frames a picture with his camera but something stops him before he presses the shutter. What stops him he will not, for the moment, have to acknowledge: It is a sinking, hopeless feeling about opposites, and what they do to each other. Suddenly he swings around, and bending on one knee takes a picture of the broken roofing and rusted tin on wood that makes up one wall of a shabby nearby house.

  Truman and Lynne: They had a borrowed motorcycle. And on dusky evenings would go zooming down the back roads, the dust powdery and damp on their faces. She wore a helmet, her long hair caught up in back, wisps of it straying across her eyes, slinging itself across her mouth. She held him around the waist and felt his ribs strain against the wind. Through the puffy jacket his body felt fat and thin at the same time. Riding the motorcycle was dangerous because of the whiteness of her face, but at dusk they passed in a blur. At night they were more clear.

  To Lynne, the black people of the South were Art. This she begged forgiveness for and tried to hide, but it was no use. To her eyes, used to Northern suburbs where every house looked sterile and identical even before it was completely built, where even the flowers were uniform and their nicknames were already in dictionaries, the shrubs incapable of strong odor or surprise of shape, and the people usually stamped with the seals of their professions; to her, nestled in a big chair made of white oak strips, under a quilt called The Turkey Walk, from Attapulsa, Georgia, in a little wooden Mississippi sharecropper bungalow that had never known paint, the South—and the black people living there—was Art. The songs, the dances, the food, the speech. Oh! She was such a romantic, so in love with the air she breathed, the honeysuckle that grew just beyond the door.

  “I will pay for this,” she often warned herself. “It is probably a sin to think of a people as Art.” And yet, she would stand perfectly still and the sight of a fat black woman singing to herself in a tattered yellow dress, her voice rich and full of yearning, was always—God forgive her, black folks forgive her—the same weepy miracle that Art always was for her.

  Truman had had enough of the Movement and the South. But not Lynne. Mississippi—after the disappearance of the three Civil Rights workers in 1964—began to beckon her. For two years she thought of nothing else: If Mississippi is the worst place in America for black people, it stood to reason, she thought, that the Art that was their lives would flourish best there. Truman, who had given up his earlier ambition to live permanently in France, wryly considered Mississippi a just alternative. And so a little over two years after the bodies—battered beyond recognition, except for the colors: two white, one black—of Cheney, Goodman and Schwerner were found hidden in a backwoods Neshoba County, Mississippi, dam, Lynne and Truman arrived.

  Of Bitches and Wives

  HIS FEELINGS FOR LYNNE had been undergoing subtle changes for some time. Yet it was not until the shooting of Tommy Odds in Mississippi that he noticed these changes. The shooting of Tommy Odds happened one evening just as he Truman, Tommy Odds and Trilling (a worker from Oklahoma since fled and never seen again) were coming out of the door of the Liberal Trinity Baptist Church. There had been the usual meeting with songs, prayers and strategy for the next day’s picketing of downtown stores. They had assumed, also, that guards had been posted; not verifying was their mistake. As they stepped from the church and into the light from an overhanging b
ulb on the porch, a burst of machine-gun fire came from some bushes across the street. He and Trilling jumped off the sides of the steps. Tommy Odds, in the middle, was shot through the elbow.

  When he went to visit Tommy Odds in the hospital he thought, as the elevator carried him to the fourth floor, of how funny it would be when the two of them talked about the frantic jump he and Trilling made. “You know one thing,” he was going to say, laughing, to Tommy Odds, “you’re just one slow nigger.” Then they would wipe the tears of laughter from their eyes and open the bottle of Ripple he had brought. But it had not gone that way at all. First of all, Tommy Odds was not resting up after a flesh wound, as earlier reports had said; he had lost the lower half of his arm. He was propped up in bed now with a clear fluid dripping from a bottle into his other arm. But his horrible gray coloring, his cracked bloodless lips, his gazed eyes, were nothing compared to the utter lack of humor apparent in his face. Impossible to joke, to laugh, without tearing his insides to shreds.

  Yet Truman had tried. “Hey, man!” he said, striding across the room with his bottle of Ripple under his arm. “Look what I brought you!” But Tommy Odds did not move his head or his eyes to follow him across the room. He lay looking at a spot slightly above the television, which was high in one corner of the room.

  “Lynne says hurry up and get your ass out of here,” he continued. “When you get out of here we gon’ party for days.”

  “Don’t mention that bitch to me, man,” Tommy Odds said.

  “What you say?”

  “I said”—Tommy Odds turned his head and looked at him, moving his lips carefully so there would be no mistake—“don’t mention that bitch to me. Don’t mention that white bitch.”

  “Wait a minute, man,” Truman stammered in surprise, “Lynne had nothing to do with this.” And yet, while he was saying this, his tongue was slowed down by thoughts that began twisting like snakes through his brain. How could he say Lynne had nothing to do with the shooting of Tommy Odds, when there were so many levels at which she could be blamed?

  “All white people are motherfuckers,” said Tommy Odds, as listlessly but clearly as before. “I want to see them destroyed. I could watch their babies being torn limb from limb and I wouldn’t lift a finger. The Bible says to dash out the brains of your enemy’s children on the rocks. I understand that shit, now.”

  At this level, Truman thought, sinking into a chair beside his friend, is Lynne guilty? That she is white is true. That she is therefore a killer, evil, a motherfucker—how true? Not true at all! And yet—

  “Man, all I do is think about what these crackers did with my motherfucking arm,” said Tommy Odds.

  “You want me to find out?”

  “No, I guess not.”

  By being white Lynne was guilty of whiteness. He could not reduce the logic any further, in that direction. Then the question was, is it possible to be guilty of a color? Of course black people for years were “guilty” of being black. Slavery was punishment for their “crime.” But even if he abandoned this search for Lynne’s guilt, because it ended, logically enough, in racism, he was forced to search through other levels for it. For bad or worse, and regardless of what this said about himself as a person, he could not—after his friend’s words—keep from thinking Lynne was, in fact, guilty. The thing was to find out how.

  “I’m sorry, man,” said Tommy Odds. “I shouldn’t have come down on your old lady that way.”

  “It’s okay, man, no sweat,” Truman mumbled, while his thoughts continued to swirl up, hot and desperate. It was as if Tommy Odds had spoken the words that fit thoughts he had been too cowardly to entertain. On what other level might Lynne, his wife, be guilty?

  “It’s just that, you know, white folks are a bitch. If I didn’t hate them on principle before, I hate them now for personal and concrete reasons. I’ve been thinking and thinking, lying here. And what I’ve thought is: Don’t nobody offer me marching and preaching as a substitute for going after those jokers’ balls.”

  Was it because she was a white woman that Lynne was guilty? Ah, yes. That was it. Of course. And Truman remembered one night when he and Tommy Odds and Trilling and Lynne had gone to the Moonflower cafe for a sandwich. They shouldn’t have done it, of course. They had been warned against it. They knew better. But there are times in a person’s life when to risk everything is the only affirmation of life. That night was such a time. What had they been celebrating? Oh, yes. Tommy Odds’s niggers-on-the-corner:

  For months Tommy Odds had hung out every Saturday evening at the pool hall on Carver Street, talking and shooting pool. He had been playing with the niggers-on-the-corner for almost a month before he ever opened his mouth about the liberating effects of voting. At first he had been hooted down with shouts of “Man, I don’t wanna hear that shit!” and “Man, let’s keep this a clean game!” But the good thing about Tommy Odds was his patience. At first he just shut up and worked out with his cue. But in a few days, he’d bring it up again. By the end of the first month his niggers-on-the-corner liked him too much not to listen to him. At the end of three months they’d formed a brigade called “The Niggers-on-the-Corner-Voter-Machine.” It was through them that all the derelicts, old grandmamas and grandpas and tough young hustlers and studs, the prostitutes and even the boozy old guy who ran the pool hall registered to vote in the next election. And on this particular Saturday night they decided to celebrate at the Moonflower, a greasy hole-in-the-wall that still had “Whites Only” on its door.

  The food was so bad they had not been able to eat it. But they left in high spirits, Lynne giggling about the waitress’s hair that was like a helmet made of blonde foil. But as they walked down the street a car slowly followed them until, turning down Carver Street, they were met by some of Tommy Odds’s NOTC, who walked them to safety in front of the pool hall. After that night he and Lynne were careful not to be seen together. But since Lynne was the only white woman in town regularly seen only with black people, she was easily identified. He had not thought they would be, too.

  So for that night, perhaps Lynne was guilty. But why had she been with them? Had she invited herself? No. Tommy Odds had invited them both to his little party. Even so, it was Lynne’s presence that had caused the car to follow them. So she was guilty. Guilty of whiteness, as well as stupidity for having agreed to come.

  Yet, Lynne loved Tommy Odds, she admired his NOTC. It was Lynne who designed and sewed together those silly badges that they wore, that gave them so much pride.

  “What do NOTC mean?” asked the old grandmamas who were escorted like queens down the street to the courthouse.

  “Oh, it mean ‘Not Only True, but Colored,’” the hustlers replied smoothly. Or, “Not on Time, but Current,” said the prostitutes to the old grandpas, letting the old men dig on their cleavage. Or, “Notice of Trinity, with Christ,” the pool sharks said to the religious fanatics, who frowned, otherwise, on pool sharks.

  So Lynne was guilty on at least two counts; of being with them, and of being, period. At least that was how Tommy Odds saw it. And who was he to argue, guilty as he was of loving the white bitch who caused his friend to lose his arm?

  Thinking this, he shot up from his chair by the bed as if from an electric shock. The bottle of Ripple slipped from his fingers and crashed to the floor.

  “Just don’t tell me you done wasted the wine,” said Tommy Odds, groaning. “I was just working myself up for a taste.”

  “I’ll bring another bottle,” Truman said, getting towels from the bathroom and mopping up. He cut his finger on a piece of glass and realized he was trembling. When he’d put the wastebasket outside the door for the janitor he looked back at Tommy Odds. Some small resemblance of his friend remained on the bed. But he could feel the distance that already separated them. When he went out that door they would both be different. He could read the message that Tommy Odds would not, as his former friend, put into words. “Get rid of your bitch, man.” That was all.

  Getti
ng rid of a bitch is simple, for bitches are dispensable. But getting rid of a wife?

  He had read in a magazine just the day before that Lamumba Katurim had gotten rid of his. She was his wife, true, but apparently she was even in that disguise perceived as evil, a castoff. And people admired Lamumba for his perception. It proved his love of his own people, they said. But he was not sure. Perhaps it proved only that Lamumba was fickle. That he’d married his bitch in the first place for shallow reasons. Perhaps he was considering marrying a black woman (as the article said he was) for reasons just as shallow. For how could he state so assuredly that he would marry a black woman next when he did not appear to have any specific black woman in mind?

  If his own sister told him of her upcoming marriage to Lamumba he would have to know some answers before the nuptial celebration. Like, how many times would Lamumba require her to appear on television with him, or how many times would he parade her before his friends as proof of his blackness.

  He thought of Randolph Kay, the Movie Star, who also shucked his white bitch wife, to black applause. But now Randolph Kay and his shiny new black wife had moved into the white world completely, to the extent of endorsing the American bombing of civilian targets in Vietnam. Randolph Kay, in fact, now sang love songs to the President! But perhaps it was perverse of him to be so suspicious. Perhaps, after all, he was just trying to cover up his own inability to act as decisively and to the public order as these men had done. No doubt these were great men, who perceived, as he could not, that to love the wrong person is an error. If only he could believe it possible to love the wrong person he would be home free. As it was, how difficult hating his wife was going to be. He would not even try.