Anything We Love Can Be Saved Page 2

  —GENESIS

  In my novel The Color Purple Celie and Shug discuss, as all thoughtful humans must, the meaning of God. Shug says, “I believe God is everything that is, ever was or ever will be.” Celie, raised to worship a God that resembles “the little fat white man who works in the bank,” only bigger and bearded, learns to agree. I agree also. It was years after writing these words for Shug that I discovered they were also spoken, millennia ago, by Isis, ancient Goddess of Africa, who, as an African, can be said to be a spiritual mother of us all.

  There is a special grief felt by the children and grandchildren of those who were forbidden to read, forbidden to explore, forbidden to question or to know. Looking back on my parents’ and grandparents’ lives, I have often felt overwhelmed, helpless, as I’ve examined history and society, and especially religion, with them in mind, and have seen how they were manipulated away from a belief in their own judgment and faith in themselves.

  It is painful to realize they were forever trying to correct a “flaw”—that of being black, female, human—that did not exist, except as “men of God,” but really men of greed, misogyny, and violence, defined it. What a burden to think one is conceived in sin rather than in pleasure; that one is born into evil rather than into joy. In my work, I speak to my parents and to my most distant ancestors about what I myself have found as an Earthling growing naturally out of the Universe. I create characters who sometimes speak in the language of immediate ancestors, characters who are not passive but active in the discovery of what is vital and real in this world. Characters who explore what it would feel like not to be imprisoned by the hatred of women, the love of violence, and the destructiveness of greed taught to human beings as the “religion” by which they must guide their lives.

  What is happening in the world more and more is that people are attempting to decolonize their spirits. A crucial act of empowerment, one that might return reverence to the Earth, thereby saving it, in this fearful-of-Nature, spiritually colonized age.

  An example of this decolonization occurs in The Color Purple: Shug, the pagan, discusses the nature of God with Celie, the confused Christian:

  Dear Nettie,

  I don’t write to God no more, I write to you.

  What happen to God? ast Shug.

  Who that? I say.

  She look at me serious.

  Big a devil as you is, I say, you not worried bout no God, surely.

  She say, Wait a minute. Hold on just a minute here. Just because I don’t harass it like some peoples us know don’t mean I ain’t got religion.

  What God do for me? I ast.

  She say, Celie! Like she shock. He gave you life, good health, and a good woman that love you to death.

  Yeah, I say, and he give me a lynched daddy, a crazy mama, a lowdown dog of a step pa and a sister I probably won’t ever see again. Anyhow, I say, the God I been praying and writing to is a man. And act just like all the other mens I know. Trifling, forgitful and lowdown.

  She say, Miss Celie. You better hush. God might hear you.

  Let’im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.

  She talk and talk, trying to budge me way from blasphemy. But I blaspheme much as I want to.

  All my life I never care what people thought bout nothing I did, I say. But deep in my heart I care about God. What he going to think. And come to find out, he don’t think. Just sit up there glorying in being deef, I reckon. But it ain’t easy trying to do without God. Even if you know he ain’t there, trying to do without him is a strain.

  I is a sinner, say Shug. Cause I was born. I don’t deny it. But once you find out what’s out there waiting for us, what else can you be?

  Sinners have more good times, I say.

  You know why? she ast.

  Cause you ain’t all the time worrying bout God, I say.

  Naw, that ain’t it, she say. Us worry bout God a lot. But once us feel loved by God, us do the best us can to please him with what us like.

  You telling me God love you, and you ain’t never done nothing for him? I mean, not go to church, sing in the choir, feed the preacher and all like that?

  But if God love me, Celie, I don’t have to do all that. Unless I want to. There’s a lot of other things I can do that I speck God likes.

  Like what? I ast.

  Oh, she say. I can lay back and just admire stuff. Be happy. Have a good time.

  Well, this sound like blasphemy sure nuff.

  She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show. Any God I ever felt in church I brought in with me. And I think all the other folks did too. They come to church to share God, not find God.

  Some folks didn’t have him to share, I said. They the ones didn’t speak to me while I was there struggling with my big belly and Mr. —–’s children.

  Right, she say.

  Then she say: Tell me what your God look like, Celie.

  Aw naw, I say. I’m too shame. Nobody ever ast me this before, so I’m sort of took by surprise. Besides, when I think about it, it don’t seem quite right. But it all I got. I decide to stick up for him, just to see what Shug say.

  Okay, I say. He big and old and tall and graybearded and white. He wear white robes and go barefooted.

  Blue eyes? she ast.

  Sort of bluish-gray. Cool. Big though. White lashes, I say.

  She laugh.

  Why you laugh? I ast. I don’t think it so funny. What you expect him to look like, Mr. —–?

  That wouldn’t be no improvement, she say. Then she tell me this old white man is the same God she used to see when she prayed. If you wait to find God in church, Celie, she say, that’s who is bound to show up, cause that’s where he live.

  How come? I ast.

  Cause that’s the one that’s in the white folks’ white bible.

  Shug! I say. God wrote the bible, white folks had nothing to do with it.

  How come he look just like them, then? Only bigger? And a heap more hair. How come the bible just like everything else they make, all about them doing one thing and another, and all the colored folks doing is gitting cursed.

  I never thought bout that.

  Nettie say somewhere in the bible it say Jesus’ hair was like lamb’s wool, I say.

  Well, say Shug, if he came to any of these churches we talking bout he’d have to have it conked before anybody paid him any attention. The last thing niggers want to think about they God is that his hair kinky.

  That’s the truth, I say.

  Ain’t no way to read the bible and not think God white, she say. Then she sigh. When I found out I thought God was white, and a man, I lost interest. You mad cause he don’t seem to listen to your prayers. Humph! Do the mayor listen to anything colored say? Ask Sofia, she say.

  But I don’t have to ast Sofia. I know white people never listen to colored, period. If they do, they only listen long enought to be able to tell you what to do.

  Here’s the thing, say Shug. The thing I believe. God is inside you and inside everybody else. You come into the world with God. But only them that search for it inside find it. And sometimes it just manifest itself even if you not looking, or don’t know what you looking for. Trouble do it for most folks, I think. Sorrow, lord. Feeling like shit.

  It? I ast.

  Yeah, It. God ain’t a he or a she, but a It. Maybe a “us.”

  But what do it look like? I ast.

  Don’t look like nothing, she say. It ain’t a picture show. It ain’t something you can look at apart from anything else, including yourself. I believe God is everything, say Shug. Everything that is or ever was or ever will be. And when you can feel that, and be happy to feel that, you’ve found It.

  Shug a beautiful something, let me tell you. She frown a little, look out cross the yard, lean back in her chair, look like a big rose.

  She say, My first step from
the old white man was trees. Then air. Then birds. Then other people. But one day when I was sitting quiet and feeling like a motherless child, which I was, it come to me: that feeling of being part of everything, not separate at all. I knew that if I cut a tree, my arm would bleed. And I laughed and I cried and I run all round the house. I knew just what it was. In fact, when it happen, you can’t miss it. It sort of like you know what, she say, grinning, and rubbing high up on my thigh.

  Shug! I say.

  Oh, she say. God love all them feelings. That’s some of the best stuff God did. And when you know God loves’em you enjoys’em a lot more. You can just relax, go with everything that’s going, and praise God by liking what you like.

  God don’t think it dirty? I ast.

  Naw, she say. God made it. Listen, God love everything you love—and a mess of stuff you don’t. But more than anything else, God love admiration.

  You saying God vain? I ast.

  Naw, she say. Not vain, just wanting to share a good thing. I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it.

  What it do when it pissed off? I ast.

  Oh, it make something else. People think pleasing God is all God care about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.

  Yeah? I say.

  Yeah, she say. It always making little surprises and springing them on us when us least suspect.

  You mean it want to be loved, just like the bible say.

  Yes, Celie, she say. Everything want to be loved. Us sing and dance, make faces and give flower bouquets, trying to be loved. You ever notice that trees do everything to get attention we do, except walk?

  Well, us talk and talk bout God, but I’m still adrift. Trying to chase that old white man out of my head. I been so busy thinking bout him I never truly notice nothing God make. Not a blade of corn (how it do that?) not the color purple (where it come from?). Not the little wildflowers. Nothing.

  Now that my eyes opening, I feels like a fool. Next to any little scrub of a bush in my yard, Mr. —–’s evil sort of shrink. But not altogether. Still, it is like Shug say, You have to git man off your eyeball, before you can see anything a’tall.

  Man corrupt everything, say Shug. He on your box of grits, in your head, and all over the radio. He try to make you think he everywhere. Soon as you think he everywhere, you think he God. But he ain’t. Whenever you trying to pray, and man plop himself on the other end of it, tell him to git lost, say Shug. Conjure up flowers, wind, water, a big rock.

  But this hard work, let me tell you. He been there so long, he don’t want to budge. He threaten lightning, floods and earthquakes. Us fight. I hardly pray at all. Every time I conjure up a rock, I throw it.

  Amen

  In day-to-day life, I worship the Earth as God—representing everything—and Nature as its spirit. But for a long time I was confused. After all, when someone you trust shows you a picture of a blond, blue-eyed Jesus Christ and tells you he’s the son of God, you get an instant image of his father: an older version of him. When you’re taught God loves you, but only if you’re good, obedient, trusting, and so forth, and you know you’re that way only some of the time, there’s a tendency to deny your shadow side. Hence the hypocrisy I noted early on in our church.

  The church I attended as a child still stands. It is small, almost tiny, and made of very old, silver-gray lumber, painted white a couple of decades ago, when an indoor toilet was also added. It is simple, serene, sweet. It used to nestle amid vivid green foliage at a curve in a sandy dirt road; inside, its rough-hewn benches smelled warmly of pine. Its yard was shaded by a huge red oak tree, from which people took bits of bark to brew a tonic for their chickens. I remember my mother boiling the bark she’d cut from the tree and feeding the reddish brown “tea” to her pullets, who, without it, were likely to cannibalize each other. The county, years later, and without warning, cut down the tree and straightened and paved the road. In an attempt to create a tourist industry where none had existed before, they flooded the surrounding countryside. The fisherpeople from far away who whiz by in their pickup trucks today know nothing about what they see. To us, they are so unconnected to the land they appear to hover above it, like ghosts.

  The church was donated to our community in 1866, after the Emancipation Proclamation, by the daughter of the slaveowner. It is “ours” only for as long as services are held there. Few young people have remained interested in the church, and so it has been kept going by one or two elderly women. I have supported their effort to keep the church open by responding to whatever modest requests for assistance they have made. I do this because I respect these old women, and also because I recognize them as the keepers of a personal heritage that is very dear to me. The cemetery with virtually all of my relatives, including grandparents and parents, is just across the way, as is the vetch-covered space where the first consolidated school for black people in our community used to stand. A school my father was instrumental in erecting. I find myself once or twice a year sitting on the church steps, peeking into the windows, or just standing in the yard, remembering.

  What I remember is playing tag and hide-and-go-seek with my cousin and best friend, Delilah.* She was radiantly black, funny, and fleet of foot, and her mother dressed her in airy, colorful summer dresses and patent-leather shoes, just the way my mother dressed me. Perhaps she had more pigtails; I had bigger bows. In winter we wore identical maroon-colored snowsuits, which served us well in the uninsulated church, which was then, and still is, heated by a potbellied stove. We would grow up and lose touch, and she would barely escape a violently abusive marriage, about which I would hear only after the fact. I remember my father huddled with other men outside under the trees, laughing. My mother, scrubbed and shining, smiling. We were all on our best behavior; even my incorrigibly raucous brothers, who, only at church, managed to be both neat and quiet.

  Because we were Methodists and sang mostly standard hymns, the singing wasn’t all that great. I loved it, though, because I liked singing with others—still do—and I was, even as a small child, humbled by the sincerity in the voices of everyone. After we sang any kind of song together, there was nobody in the congregation I didn’t love.

  Perhaps the singing had been even more arresting a hundred years earlier; legend had it that the former slaveowners would stop their buggies underneath the red oak to listen. Sometimes professional gospel singers came down from Atlanta and “turned the place out.” They were undisputed queens in their shiny red or blue robes: They shouted at God as if they knew Him personally and also knew He was hard of hearing. The black stuff around their eyes, which began to run and smear the moment they began to sweat, was strange to us, as was the fact that they wore, and wiped off, more lipstick in an afternoon than my plain, country-beauty mother would own in her life.

  My mother, in addition to her other duties as worker, wife, and mother of eight children, was also mother of the church. I realize now that I was kind of a little church mother in training, as I set out for the church with her on Saturday mornings. We would mop the bare pine floors, run dust rags over the benches, and wash the windows. Take out the ashes, dump them behind the outhouse, clean the outhouse, and be sure there was adequate paper. We would sweep the carpeting around the pulpit and I would reverently dust off the Bible. Each Saturday my mother slipped a starched and ironed snowy-white doily underneath it.

  One season she resolved to completely redo the pulpit area. With a hammer and tacks and rich, wine-dark cloth she’d managed to purchase from meager savings, she upholstered the chairs, including the thronelike one in which the preacher sat. She also laid new carpeting. On Sunday morning she would bring flowers from her garden.

  There has never been anyone who amazed and delighted me as consistently as my mother did when I was a child. Part of her magic was her calm, no-nonsense manner. If it could be done, she could probably do it, was her attitude. She enjoyed being strong and capab
le. Anything she didn’t know how to do, she could learn. I was thrilled to be her apprentice.

  My father and brothers cleared the cemetery of brush and cut the grass around the church while we were inside. By the time we were finished, everything sparkled. We stood back and admired our work.

  Sister Walker, my mother, was thanked for making the church so beautiful, but this wise woman, who knew so many things about life and the mysteries of the heart, the spirit, and the soul, was never asked to speak to the congregation. If she and other “mothers” and “sisters” of the church had been asked to speak, if it had been taken for granted that they had vision and insight to match their labor and their love, would the church be alive today?

  And what would the women have said? Would they have protested that the Eve of the Bible did not represent them? That they had never been that curious? But of course they had been just as curious. If a tree had appeared in their midst with an attractive fruit on it, and furthermore one that they were informed would make them wise, they would have nibbled it. And what could be so wrong about that? Anyway, God had told Adam about the forbidden fruit; He hadn’t said a word directly to Eve. And what kind of God would be so cruel as to curse women and men forever for eating a piece of fruit, no matter how forbidden? Would they have said that Adam was a weak man who evaded personal responsibility for his actions? Would they have pointed out how quickly and obsequiously he turned in his wife to God, as if she had forced him to eat the fruit rather than simply offered him a bite? Would they have said Adam’s behavior reminded them of a man who got a woman pregnant and then blamed the woman for tempting him to have intercourse, thereby placing all the blame on her? Would they have said that God was unfair? Well, He was white, His son was white, and it truly was a white man’s world, as far as they could see.

  Would they have spoken of the God they had found, not in the Bible, but in life, as they wrestled death while delivering babies, or as they worked almost beyond, and sometimes beyond, capacity in the white man’s fields? I remember my mother telling me of a time when she was hugely pregnant and had an enormous field of cotton, twenty-five or thirty acres, to chop, that is, to thin and weed. Her older children were in school, from which she refused to take them, her youngest trailed behind her and fell asleep in the furrows. My father, who was laborer, dairyman, and chauffeur, had driven the bosslady to town. As my mother looked out over the immense acreage still to be covered, she felt so ill she could barely lift the hoe. Never had she felt so alone. Coming to the end of a row, she lay down under a tree and asked to die. Instead, she fell into a deep sleep, and when she awakened, she was fully restored. In fact, she felt wonderful, as if a healing breeze had touched her soul. She picked up the hoe and continued her work.